'Staying at parents while we save for wedding has killed our sex life'

Dear Coleen

I’m a 28-year-old woman and my fiance and I have been living with my parents for the past 18 months while we save for the wedding and also a deposit to buy our first home.

The wedding is planned for next year but, honestly, I don’t know if we’ll make it to then the way things are going.

We don’t really argue, but sex has really gone off the boil. Since moving in with my parents, we’ve had a lot less sex.

At first, we tried to fit it in when they were out of the house, which was actually quite exciting and fun, and we’d laugh about it.

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Now, though, we’ve stopped doing that and have very quiet sex probably a couple of times a month, which seems not enough for two people in their 20s.

My parents’ house isn’t that big and the walls are paper thin, and I’d be totally mortified if they heard anything.

I know we should make more effort to go away on our own sometimes, but we’re in this mindset of saving money and that always takes priority.

Coleen says

Honestly, I think you should change your mindset. There’s no point in saving money if there’s no wedding.

You need to get out and feel young again, and make the most of being with each other. These are the honeymoon years before the real responsibilities of adulthood take over: bills, rent, mortgage, babies and so on. Right now, everything sounds like a bit of a chore and it shouldn’t.

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If the pressure of saving up for a deposit on a home and a wedding is getting too much and threatening to kill your relationship, then reassess things.

Why not scale down the wedding and focus on saving for a place of your own? The wedding can be smaller, but just as beautiful, or just go off and get married and then have a party.

When I see young people planning weddings these days, the wedding sometimes feels like the be all and end all, and it’s a lot of pressure and expense for one day. Think about who you’re doing it for – is it really what you and your fiance need or are you doing it for other people or because you feel it’s what’s expected?

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What’s most important for your relationship is to get out of your parents’ house and into your own place, so focus on that.

And, give yourselves a break sometimes – put a little bit of money aside for a night away once a month and save the rest.

I think it’s so important you find each other again – romantically and sexually – because there’s plenty of time for adulting later on!

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