Kelly Holmes' fears of being arrested and finally finding peace after mental health battle

Dame Kelly Holmes, one of Britain's most celebrated athletes, has faced some of her toughest challenges off the track. The 54-year-old, who publicly came out as gay in 2022, served nine years in the Women's Royal Army Corps and the Adjutant General's Corps from 1988 to 1997.

She achieved the rank of sergeant during a time when being gay in the was illegal. , an avid runner since her youth, put on hold to pursue her Army career, only to rediscover her passion for the sport after watching the 1992 .

Initially, Holmes juggled her Army duties with athletics until increased funding in 1997 allowed her to dedicate herself fully to the track. Her breakthrough came with a gold medal in the 1500 metres at the 1994 in Victoria, propelling her onto the global stage.

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She continued to shine, bagging silver medals at the and in 1994 and 1995 respectively. Holmes then represented at the 2000 Sydney Olympic Games, securing a bronze medal in the 800m event.

After another gold at the 2002 Commonwealth Games, she returned to the Olympics in 2004, where she triumphed with gold medals in both the 800m and 1500m events, reports . While many may assume that Holmes' most challenging obstacles were on the tracks of the , it was the internal wars she fought alone as a gay soldier-turned-athlete that were some of the toughest, with the fear of arrest constantly looming over her.

Arrest fears

Holmes, now celebrated as one of Britain's most iconic athletes, kept her sexuality secret for 34 years to steer clear of being detained, court-martialled, or expelled from the military – and later, due to concerns over judgement from her peers. Homosexuality was illegal in the Armed Forces until 2000, yet Holmes realised her sexual orientation in 1988 at 18, and concealed it to fulfil her lifelong ambition of serving her nation.

At 22, while still in the Army, the raided her accommodation in a move which Holmes suspects was to discover her homosexuality. She told : "It's police coming into your place of living and completely ransacking it.

"The only way I can describe is if you went home tonight and the perpetrators are in your house and they are vilifying you, they're spitting in your face, they're getting all your belongings, they're stamping all over them." She added: "The complexities of that and then knowing what other people went through just because of who they loved or who they were... That just instilled a fear in me."

Four years prior to Holmes' Athens triumph, the armed forces lifted their ban on being gay, yet she remained fearful of being outed after achieving success on the world stage. She said: "I think because of then being an elite athlete when no one spoke about it, it was almost like, 'I've got to shut up, I can't say anything because what will the response be?'.

"'How are people going to judge me? What are people going to think?' And so I kind of just thought that I had to keep it in. But there comes a point in life where we have to remember we live our own life. We don't live it for somebody else."

At 52, in June 2022, Holmes finally chose to come out publicly. Reflecting on her experience, she said: "There's nothing more liberating than just feeling like you're you. And I needed to be me."

Mental health trauma

Holmes disclosed that her inability to express her sexual preferences led to " trauma", not only for herself but also for numerous others who faced similar struggles. During an interview with Radio Surrey, she noted how the stigmatised view of being gay during the 1980s and 1990s AIDS and HIV epidemic made coming out "very taboo".

Since retiring from athletics in 2005 and moving into motivational speaking, Holmes has found pride in using her voice to advance the conversation, explaining: "I'm not afraid of that." Furthermore, she discussed the importance of self-acceptance and living authentically, which ultimately allowed her to find liberation.

Holmes has also been incredibly open about her struggles with mental health, explaining to Sky: "I went through stress fractures, ruptured calves, torn Achilles, glandular fever, tonsillitis, a damaged femoral nerve in my back and mental health problems seven years out of my 12 years as an international athlete.

"I got to the point when I was 33 years old, which was the year before the Olympic games, getting ready for a world championships where I had a huge breakdown because of the pressure and expectation on myself to be good. One, because I was battling with other things in my life, but two, because I really wanted to be an Olympic champion. And I got to a point where I didn't want to be here, frankly, but I did."

Holmes also shared that she grappled with suicidal thoughts, describing it as a "battle" in her mind "where half of you wants to live and the other half of you doesn't".

Finally happy

After coming out and forging friendships with other legendary British athletes, Holmes confessed that she has now reached a stage in her life where she is finally content "for the first time ever". She said: "I wasn't normal with people, I didn't go out for coffees, I didn't socialise with people because of fear.

"Now I'm friends with people like , , and they accept me for who I am. They're just so proud of me and happy for me and it's just an overwhelming response. I'm happy for the first time ever."

Currently in a relationship with Northern Irish sports massage therapist Louise Cullen, whom she met amidst the , the couple now share a home. Holmes opened up to the about her blossoming romance, revealing: "She loves me for me. I'm just happy. I'm happy with Lou. It makes it a lot easier being with somebody that I really get on with, and who just likes me for me.

"Lou's a different person, she's a nice person. She's somebody that doesn't want anything. She's not really interested in the work side of me, she doesn't really want to be in the limelight. And now she's coming to England so let's see what happens. Who knows what is around the corner. I'm not going to put pressure on myself and her and say this is forever – but hopefully it is."

If you're struggling and need to talk, the Samaritans operate a free helpline open 24/7 on 116 123. Alternatively, you can email or visit their site to find your local branch.